Creating an End of Life Ritual

This process can be done for another person, for oneself, or as a group.

1- Breath.

Find a quiet space to be present to what’s unfolding. Creating a ritual can feel performative when we start to think about it too much and place pressure on ourselves to do it “well.” Remember, that a ritual is not about creating something great, but about honoring what is.

2- Listen.

Is there something arising that you feel invited to do to honor the person dying? Before reading about different creative options, take enough time to listen and see if there’s something you are already feeling invited into. Even if it feels strange, dramatic, silly, small, or “too much.” Try and listen. Sometimes we question ourselves so much that we miss out on doing something that we felt invited to do. When my dad was dying I felt strongly to gather my tears and anoint him with them, it felt weird at first, but I’m so glad I listened to that prompting because its one of my most sacred memories.

3- Create.

If you have a good idea after listening to a ritual you would like to do, you can skip to the next number, but if you would like some prompts keep reading. Is there something the person dying would feel honored by that’s unique to them? How can you incorporate things they love in this ritual? There’s so many death rituals that are wonderful ways to honor ones spiritual and cultural beliefs. Is there a pre-existing ritual that you can either follow, or use as inspiration? Do any of the following ideas strike a chord of resonance?

• Anointing with Oil

• Braiding Hair/ Brushing hair

• Reciting Prayers

• Lighting Candles

• Reconciliation Gathering

• Gratitude Gathering

• Storytelling

• Washing Feet

• Bathing

• Singing together

• Listening to music together

• Sound Baths

• Guided meditations

• Burning the things ones letting go of

• Writing poetry

• Sexual Intimacy with Partner

• Dedicating the space

• Sharing feelings

• Flower giving

• Cleansing Ritual

• Gift giving

• Drawing sharing (for kids, and adults too!)

• Bringing in a Chaplin or Spiritual Guide

• Breathing together

• Looking at photos

• Walking ritual (If patient is able)

• Gathering of tears

• Generational gathering

• Hugging, holding one another

• Eating a favorite meal together

• Connecting with old friends or lovers

• Journaling

• The Way of Counsel Circle

• Dancing together

• Playing a favorite game

• Creating Art together

• A holy kiss

• Saying goodbye

• Creating an alter

These may seem like simple ideas, but anything done with presence and intent can become a ritual. What could have just been a last bath for Sonja, became a ritual that honored her life. (The full story is in my last post) I encourage you to listen, be open, and get creative. Rituals are sacred and can bring up a lot of strong emotions, but they can also be playful too!

4- Challenge.

Before facilitating a ritual it’s always a good idea to check in with oneself and challenge ones motives. Do you have underlying intentions about why you want to perform this ritual? Are you trying to manipulate someone else to believe what you believe? Are you trying to create a certain outcome?

If your answer is yes to any of the previous questions, you are human like the rest of us! We all have selfish motives at times, but its important to not allow those motives to lead. Take some time to be honest with yourself, and see if you can let go of your need to control others or the situation before moving forward. If you are unable to move forward, and sense that your motivation is mostly to control or manipulate, this is where you stop.

5- Check in.

If you still feel lead to facilitate a ritual, check in with the person you would like to do the ritual with, if anyone. Rituals can be solo activities as well. It’s important to make sure everyone who will be involved has consent to what’s about to happen.

5- Facilitate.

If everyone agrees, then determine who will facilitate. It could be one person, or the entire group, but facilitation is key! What makes a ritual different than these actions being just normal activities is the stance in which we approach them. In order for everyone involved to do their best to enter in with this stance of embodied presence its so helpful to have someone name what is happening underneath the surface and lead with openness and love.

Example in Facilitating Ritual

*Although the example I give below is to be done with a person who is dying, this can be done after someone has died as well

Set the Space:

Light candles, put up pictures, set appropriate lighting, put on light music, clear clutter.

Name what’s happening:

• Name the why we are gathered. Not the simple surface why, but the deeper truth.

  Example: “ We are gathered because ____ is dying, and we want to take the time to honor ______ life with intention and love.”

• Name they intent of the gathering. (Intent is not the same as expectation.)

  Example: “We don’t know how this time will unfold, but the reason we are choosing to share stories with each other is because these stories about _______ ’s life are what made up her days. We share these stories to honor ________’s life.”

• Name that the group will have diverse experiences.

  Example: “Everyone here has a different relationship with ____________ so this experience will be unique to all of us.”

• Name the emotional experiences that may unfold

  Example: “We are all here together but we will all surely experience different emotions. Some of us may feel numb, some may feel very sad, others may feel relief, and some may feel anger. Every emotion that arises in this time is welcome. No one persons emotions are more appropriate than any others.”

• Name the space guidelines

  Example: “In order to respect one another we ask that when someone is sharing we grant them our presence and try not to be thinking of what we are going to say while they are speaking. We ask that you do not speak while another is sharing. We ask that you only take five minutes or so (time can shift depending on group) to share so that there is enough time for everyone. We ask that you do not speak negatively of anyone in this time, but tell a story that means something to you about ______________. Feel free to share why this story has impacted you. Remember this time is to honor ___________ so please turn your heart towards her.” Whomever is guiding should feel free to gently ask others to remember the guidelines if they are not respecting the space.

Close with intent:

How did the time go? Was it awkward, beautiful, light, or heavy? Name it.

Example: “This time together was not what we expected, and went some places that I believe surprised some of us. There were some wildly beautiful moments, but if we are honest some strange moments as well. How beautiful that this time together encapsulated much of the human experience. We all gathered, bringing our unique selves with the intent to honor ___________ life. This is a special space. This is a sacred space.

End Together: (In midst differences, and if possible)

Example: “Lets all place our hands on ___________, (if the person doesn’t want physical touch, you can place you hands on your own heart) Lets close our eyes and think of how grateful we are to have ____________ in our lives. Lets allow that gratitude to move from our bodies into _____________ body letting her know that we are truly thankful for her life.

We end this time of storytelling with gratitude.”

6- Allow.

Let go of your expectations. Rituals will unfold how they unfold. Make space for the messy, for the wonderful, for the awkward, for the beautiful, and trust the process! It will most likely go in a way you did not expect, and that’s ok.

These are some bones of ritual leading, so you may still feel you need some more guidance. If so, please feel free to email me any questions.